My entire life, I’ve been raised on check lists. Go to school? Check! Get good grades? Check! Do your studying and stay out of trouble? Check! College? Check! Masters degree? Check!

As a result of the checked checklist, I’ve been told I’m entitled to: the job I want, a house, a decent life.

I am not in any way saying my life is not decent. I am very grateful for what I have; a place that’s more than just a place to sleep but a home, a supporting husband, a cat and hedgehog who don’t get along, and food and hot water for hot showers to contemplate imaginary conversations.

But I see the other people with their houses, the pictures of them with a realtor holding a cardboard key. And they also seem to be involved in careers that are what they wanted.

My position as an executive administrator is a great opportunity, but I certainly feel it’s not the right fit for me. Many days, I feel like a glorified errand girl. I’m involved with many groups but am not a true member, just the woman taking notes and minutes. I’m asked for my opinion, but in no way does it bare the same weight as that of an assistant vice president or executive. When I accepted the position, obviously I was overjoyed; I wasn’t going to be broke. I wasn’t going to be jobless and sad, wondering what the point of my schooling was if no job wanted me.

But this isn’t what I worked for, and I worked hard. I still remember the tear-filled weeks from stresses of classes, finals, an internship that turned hellish.

So I’ve been applying to librarian positions any chance one pops up. It’s management positions mostly, but I’m always checking job sites and listings routinely by every hour.

I had applied to positions when I graduated but they weren’t librarian positions, mostly hourly positions but it would have been better than nothing which was the other option at the time. Interview after interview, though, and I would receive the same heart-dropping phone call, “Sorry, Miss Rose, but we went with another candidate. We do wish you the best of luck.” I guess they did bother to call, but it felt cruel; a phone call usually means positive news, not a verbal turn down.

I read a lot of librarians say how it doesn’t pay great, but I feel more than willing to adjust, so long as I feel like I’m in a career that is meant for me and my degree! Otherwise, I’m a well qualified errand girl who will scream if she has to plan one more leadership retreat with handout folders and taking lunch orders. My boss is terrific and amazing but working closely with one person is driving me up the wall (especially when said person keeps adding to the calendar after I had it squared away in the first place). I’ve come to learn that I’m not one who enjoys working behind the scenes without a thank you or my name receiving recognition for my days of hard work. I remember living off the praise of when I did well in my sales jobs and recognition from the higher ups for going above and beyond.

It doesn’t feel the same here, but I won’t gripe to death about a job that gives decent pay, even if it’s not where I pictured myself.

They say, “If you want to make God laugh, tell them your plans.”

I feel like at least one plan of mine should be taken seriously! They also say to take control of your life, which is what I’ve been trying to do for the last few years. So why am I still hearing transcendent giggling?

Maybe this is a pity post. I simply need to use this blog for release, to wring the stress sponge until only a light moisture of it is left.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I’d hate to leave this job after only being here for under a year, but I’ve worked hard to get myself where I need and want to be. Even if those may be two very different things. Time will tell.