Waking

A good day, afternoon, morning, or night, whenever you are reading this. This is another poem post of a current word I created within the last couple of months. I hope you enjoy it!

Waking

My heart wakes me,

 a frightened hummingbird

caged within my ribs.

Only a dream.

It was only a dream.

I hear his soft snores,

Comfortingly close.

But I don’t hear the baby.

Such a good baby. So quiet,

sleeping as silently

as a star.

I smile, thinking. Her name is…

My smile dissolves,

and I realize with painful certainty,

my heart first calming,

now sinking like a weight

anchoring me, submerged

in the painful current of reality.

Oh.

She was only a dream, too.

A little background for this poem, which may or may not help the understanding as to why these words had to be written out so they were not as much inside my head anymore:

I have been married to my husband for seven years, and as many married couples understand, there is no short supply of people who will immediately demand why you have no reproduced your own children yet. I phrase it that way because many times I will remind anyone who doesn’t immediately remember, we DO have children, two wonderful boys who are from my husband’s previous marriage. I have worked hard to be a good stepmom, or at least a parental figure (they live with their mom full time while we would get them weekends, holidays, summer weeks, etc.) but then people always follow up with:

“Well, don’t you want one of your own?”

As if the boys are any less mine than a biological baby would be. But I digress.

The fact is, I really do want a baby, especially now. It seems everyone I know is getting pregnant, some recent discoveries others having carried for a while and eagerly awaiting their due date. It’s not that husband and I have been trying without success (I know so many who have faced issues of infertility and my heart goes tot hem). The fact is, we understand our situation: a cramped living space that the two of us are sick and quickly are outgrowing, money that is suffocatingly tight most months, and me continuing school and jobs that take up all of my energy and attention.

Now, yes, I hear you: there’s no perfect time to have a baby. But there ARE more suited times, choices to make responsibly. We do plan on finding a house after my upcoming graduating semester (spring 2022) and I get a foothold in my career. After that, well, we plan on…working on it, if that’s the proper way to phrase it. Sounds more like we’re planning on putting together some IKEA furniture.

But none of this means that my growing want to have a baby has been stable. If anything, poor husband has had to deal with a lot of emotional weight I carry each time I see a “Yay we’re pregnant” post. It’s a touchy topic for us both; I want something that’s not meant for me yet, he can’t truly help the obvious sadness I feel when looking at baby pics on social media.

And there are times, much like the one in the poem I tried so hard to really sketch and describe as it was based on a real instant one pre-dawn morning, when the feelings are so great, my mind will trick me to satisfy the feelings for just a moment. Though, this doesn’t always make it better. It makes the reality feel much harder.

So please, be kind and when you notice a couple haven’t had a child yet, do not be an investigator of the topic. They are very well aware that they don’t have a little one. It’s not hard to miss when you do want one. Or if they say “Eh, we’re not really wanting kids,” don’t push that either. Some are happier with fur babies, cats, puppies, lizards (not furry but you get my point), and that’s more than okay.

Until next time, everyone.

Be safe, be well, and be kind.

Much love,

-A. Rose

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